Mommy guilt

As a working mom I often have guilt. This has been bad after a long PTO with my lovely daughter. We had the best 7 days of fun and summer. It has been hard. At work we have out WFH coworkers in town which equaled a long happy hour. It is fun but it left me longing for a hug from my favorite girl. She was still up watching TV which let me snuggle her and help her into PJ's. However I leave Monday feeling sad that I lost my evening of hugs and fun. Joe gave Abby the phone as I drove home and she asked the difficult question... why didn't you come home after work, my response 'corporate networking' I don't feel so great at it, I like smaller happy hours to get to know people. I don't have a loud voice so most can't hear me and a laid back personality so I just let others talk and pretend to listen. Well she is snoring now and time to get ready for another day. Grandma day here we come.

Case of the Monday's

Oh Monday... how I do not have any love for you. This morning started out with a very sleepy little girl. I got her ready for another day at Grandma's with her only opening her eyes enough to know that I was dressing her not to her liking. Joe looked at me while I was doing this and said "so this is how you do it." I am not sure how he makes it happen but I have a feeling there are a few disagreements. Finally dress Abby decided she was leaving with Dad and would not give up. Dad not always being the preferred parent decided he could drop her off and pick her up today.

I got to work early and didn't have to do any fighting... I called Joe on the way home and he handed it to Abby to talk and she surprisingly had a lot to say. When I got home she had Morgan's collar and leash begging to go for a walk. Today's high is 36 degrees but we went, Abby would not get in the stroller and held on to the leash and my hand the whole time. I was so cold by the time we got back but she was ready to sit up and eat dinner so totally worth it.

We also had a nice Easter with Joe's family relaxing, playing with Abby and an Easter Brunch. Here are some pictures from the weekend

Look who's 2

My baby has just turned 2 less than a month ago and life has become interesting and there are real stories to be shared.



My darling little girl is now a bossy and sassy little girl who wants her world a certain way. I can't say I blame her because I feel very much the same way but leads to struggles between us. She wants to do dress herself by blinding grabbing the first two things out of her dresser. I didn't even know that a long sleeve shirt can also be pants (I stand corrected) or that diapers are optional when you can figure out how to take them off and where underwear around your waist.



I love her more then you could ever imagine this beautiful little girl but everyday she looks like she has not been bathed in weeks and her clothing covered in dirt and food within minute of waking up. Lucky for me she is into Hello Kitty... I never understood the fascination with Hello Kitty, I still don't but she gets my kid in cloths that match and I think you go girl! You over priced Kitty head on apparel, I am even considering buying Hello Kitty items for myself (can't beat'em join them).

Abby has also found a love for bubble baths, this week she has taken one every night, the are an hour to an hour and a half of splashing, eating bubbles, throwing toys and tonight throwing poop. Yes poop problem in the tub number 3... ahh! I stepped out of the bath room to grab our property tax information and came back to poop being tossed in the direction of the toilet. I hung up on my husband in horror and put her on the toilet to finish and started picking up these fine nuggets. Abby decided she was done and hopped of before I had even gotten to draining her bath. To buy myself some time I ran to the closet for the hidden potty chair and had her sit there while I finished the cleaning. Things finally settled down and she has found the underwear in her dresser and decided she should put them on. I tried to convince her to get back in the tub but she was not parting with the underwear, so I did what I hope most mom's would do and putting in the tub with the underwear. She didn't seem to mind or even care so no harm I guess. This little person is now fast asleep in just a night diaper because that is all that I could get on her and even that was a struggle.



Abby's other favorite pass time lately is watching movies, it first started with that lovable monkey Curious George, I have seen all 5 seasons and both movies I could tell you anything about George or the man in the yellow hat. After a month maybe two she has now expanded to Kitties, Aristocats and I can tell you everybody wants to be a cat. We also tried Lion King (a bit to scary) and now her new favorite Trees... aka The Lorax, I like this movie so far but I have only seen in now about 15 times so things might change.

Overall, a 2 year old is challenging but I wouldn't know what I would be doing without her in our life. Some day, a long time from now I hope that she is blessed with a little girl just like herself so I can enjoy the phone calls about her poop flinging kid who is a obsessed with a Kitty head on apparel too.

Happy Mother's Day!! I can't believe I am enjoying my second mother's day. I would have to say first I am just more in love with my child then I was a year ago. I love the curls, the smile, the attitude and the fact that she is my daughter forever. This weekend was perfect with 70 degree weather, sunshine and a yard to play in it was everything I could hope for. Abby and I worked in the yard and it was pretty fun, we went to The Depot and found some fun flowers. She sat in the cart and turned around to pull all the buds off the plants we found. I also found some new pots and as we check out she waved at all the people coming in and leaving. She was like the 'official' greeter at 'The Depot' the young women checking us out was not sure what to think... or at least that was my observation. When we got home we worked in the garden Uncle Ty tilled for us. I walked away to put some flowers in the new pots and when I got back Abby's face was covered in dirt but just so happy. I gave her a smaller pot to work in and it kept her busy for at least an hour. This also included the gardening shovel but I held strong when it came down to my gardening gloves... this girl knows what she wants. It was a great weekend and I am so proud to be this little girls mother. We also made memories I hope to carry with me forever and if I could get a picture of it, THE SMILE! Love,Mom

"Stop making that noise!"

This is something said often. My sweet little girl can make a noise so horrible it could make anyone lose there mind. It starts in the morning with the diaper change and then during the wrestling match, others would call getting dressed. Then every time you take away something she can't have... Then nap time (Finally) and then it continues until bed time. It seems to get worse when she is tired and it makes me say things to her like 'stop making that noise' or 'I can't think while you make that noise.' I feel like a bad mom until other people start saying the same things. I have been told and continue to remind myself that some day she will grow out of this. Until then I would say that riding in the car with Abby is as dangerous as texting while driving some times... AND PLEASE STOP MAKING THAT NOISE!!!

Haven't been here in awhile...

Life has been crazy and not sure where to start... first I GOT A NEW JOB! Oh and I love it... The babe is now 11 months with a lot of opinions and walking everywhere. She can tell me what a monkey says and how big she is... it is amazing how you go from enjoying that baby you bring home with you to fighting over changing that stinky diaper she is sitting in. She has officially learned how to work over my touch screen phone and I am excited to get a new one in a few months. Morgan (our dog)has officially gained anywhere from 5-10 lbs since the babe started eating table food. We love and hate this. Joe is enjoying fatherhood by teaching Abby how to be tough and that scary things are funny... well only if your not tired. I have been focusing on running and so far it has been going good. It takes time away from my family but it is worth it and I am determined to not buy all new clothes.

The 10th Anniversary

9/11/01... Started out like any other day here in MN. I woke up the same time I did everyday to get to school by 7 a.m. I liked to be early get to my gym locker and my school locker with a few minutes to chat with friends. It was in pre-calc with Mr. Boone, I was taking a dreaded quiz, the loud speaking came on. Our Principal came on advising us that the Twin Towers had been hit by planes. He was unsure of the detail but with a heavy heart was aware of the terror the people of NY were feeling. Mr. Boone went on to teach his lesson plan of the day, refusing to let us watch history unfold before our eyes. The day continued on and due to me not taking a history classes I did not get to see history unfold... I then had to go to cross country practice and when I got home all I wanted to do was catch up on all the things I had missed and wondered about. As the evening dragged on the more a realized that this was a tragic thing that happened to so many innocent people and although tomorrow marks the 10 year anniversary since this has happened, we have all experienced so much change in our everyday lives. If we want to fly we have to have a full body scan or pat down... even the babies?! We fear people that are walking down the street, afraid to work in tall buildings and a typically beautiful fall day 9/11.

However in these 10 years we have also learned a lot about America... we all believe in something that is bigger then us and that fear can only hold us back as long as we let it. To all the families that lost someone I am truly sorry for your loss... it was unfair and never should have happened. Also to all those who helped rescue others that day you were braver then most will be in there entire lifetime!!

AHHH I have to go to work again tomorrow

I am not looking forward to this, mainly because I feel like the 'yes girl' and the 'oh no I am not busy at all' The truth is I am so busy I could cry... I have not only about 30 emails to respond to but also 150+ case to review. We are fancy and each case is time for 5 minutes each... let just say I NEVER get through this much work. I feel really bad about this and I snapped today. I went to our acting manager and new manager and said I can't continue too hand hold case and get an application on Monday late afternoon and have a client scheduled to complete an exam by Thursday or Friday in the morning when everyone is hoping to schedule because fasting is no fun especially when your awake...WHATEVER. So they talk with the big man and tell me what the one thing I don't want to hear... Talk to the one person who everyone loves (minus me and a bunch of other people). Anyway she is worthless and pretty much nothing is going to change because why create waves. However she doesn't give two shits about me so she wouldn't even say this to my face. Today was so horrible I almost walked out, I have had too much this week. It is really sad when you talk with someone on the phone and say you sound beat down and get an email about what the hell is going on with your work as it has spiked to the point of unbelievable. The sad part is I HAVE TO GO BACK... we are also doing an ice breaker tomorrow in our team meeting... I was suppose to send 2 truths and a lie... I joked with a couple people my lie would be I am a really nice caring person....HAHAHAHAHAHA. On the plus side I went to Target to de-stress because lets be honest the captain diets were not going to help this mood. The sad thing is Target didn't help but Abby enjoyed it so much she fell asleep. The thing I do know is I have my mid-year review on Friday and at this point I am not sure I am going to say because the only things that come to my mind might get me a box and escorted walk to the door :(

It's August

I can't believe it is already August... My baby is now 5 months and the personality on that one is hard to believe. She is leaving little bruises on my arms, is now pulling my hair and slaps. I know that she is learning how to feel different things and some of if is nervous energy she needs to release it but as I tell her 'that is ouchie too the mama' and she smiles because lets be honest it is kind of funny... but seriously if she starts biting I am done!

She has also started eating baby food... the puffs, rice cereal and for all those bad parents out there ice cream. I lived on it while pregnant so why not... I have problems with rules... especially when it comes to frozen treats. I will admit I have tried everything I feed my baby... I am a firm believer if you wouldn't eat it how could you feed your child it. Joe finds it strange and has tried nothing. I don't think he realize it is not that bad but not that great either. I think we have both decided that being a parent is not an easy task but rewarding in so many ways.

We have changed so much but in so many ways are the same... I know that our little angel just showed up one June night unplanned and unannounced but I will keep her and love her forever.

P.S. here is a cute picture of my beach babe <3 Heidi

Hanging stuff on the wall

So I had a long weekend off with and feeling pretty motivated... I clean the entire upstairs of the house. I battled the dog hair, gave the dog a bath, cleaned the bathroom and more. I even talked Joe into helping me hang some pictures up. Lets just say our home is under decorated mainly because I am slightly cheap and I want something that is prefect and will hang there for many, many years. I have a total of 7 pictures hanging in our 3 bed, 1 3/4 bath with a finished basement home. On average I hang about 1-2 things on the wall every 2 months.















This isn't even Joe's pet peeve we moved in Jan. 2010 and we old have window treatments in the bathroom and our bed room and that happened when we moved back in March 2011... my justification is that all the neighbors have there shades pulled so no one sees us any way : ) To be honest I would rather get some nice area rugs for the rooms long before we block out all the natural light. P.S. Our bed room not photographed due to a baby sleeping.

Here is to more motivation and the future pictures hung on our wall, consider yourself lucky and adios neighbors it was good while it lasted :)

Time for work tomorrow but feeling refreshed <3 Heidi

Days off... nothing better then this

So I have a 4 day weekend and loving it. I not only get a chance to reconnect with my baby but accomplish some things around the house. However it brings up memories I would just assume repress. The smell of a clean house is just something every person loves and I enjoy when Joe cleans the house for me. Today I believe is the first time I have cleaned the house floors in all since we moved back in. The smell of Murphy's oil after a good swiffering of all the dog hair you could ever image. This is all to familiar of the day our house was on fire. It was a Saturday I spent all day cleaning the house while Joe was at his dad's. The sun was shining in the window and the dog hair was properly battled. That evening we decided to have Jet's Pizza (it is this ridiculous rich pizza with Turbo crust). It was carry out so Joe, Morgan (the dog) and I got in the car. We ate and I was laying on the cough reading Dr. Bradly's book on natural child birth. Joe had just opened a beer and walked down stairs to play his game for a little while. A few minutes later my oldest brother called asking Life Insurance exam questions about Nicotine. I was standing in the Kitchen and the breaker popped for some reason... think nothing of this yelled down to Joe to click it back on. After a few clicks back and forth with nothing he came up stairs. We both looked into the living room where our fire place was radiating heat and lighting the room we looked up. The plastic sconce around the light was melting. Still on the phone told Joe to grab the fire extinguisher, he popped a hole in the sconce and I though great we are going to have to fix that, then we walked out the side door where black smoke was pouring out of our roof. At this point a told my brother I had to go because our house was on fire. Joe popped up into the attic to spray the rest of the extinguisher on the fire. I am standing below asking if I need to call 911... he comes down and doesn't say anything... I finally called a little freaked out. I manage to grab my purse, net book and keys on the way out. The rest of the night seems like a blur as I sit in my car with the dog watching flames coming out of our house.

So this day off is feeling like a repeat of that day... Maybe this is why I don't clean the house any more... which doesn't seem that bad because I could be a major hoarder due to this trauma.

This also reminds me of a day I went to Hallmark for a religious gift and ran into a woman who was admiring My baby girl and talking about how her daughter just graduated from High School and was starting paramedic school... she was telling me how it had been a hard year for them as to date it had been a year since their home was struck by lighting and they lost most everything. I felt her pain and said we had something equally traumatic happen. We didn't lose everything but is an un-describable pain that you will carry with you the rest of your life.

Well now that I have been Debbie downer it is time to get up and put away the laundry. Keep Strong and Carry On! Remember Life is not easy but if it was what fun would it be :)

AHHH Life as a mother

It has been awhile since my last blog and things have been crazy... I knew being a mother is not easy but I really had no clue. It has been 3 1/2 months and my baby girl has changed so much.

Zero months


1 month


2 months


3 Months


The first month was hard I was feeling not so great but survived and on day 30 Abby smiled for the first time. Month 2 her cheeks grew like crazy and month 3 we realized she is the size of a 6 month old.

Today I think for the first time she missed her mom... that is crazy to me because I have been missing her like crazy since I went back to work. She also for the very first time laughed out loud this weekend... at the wrestling dogs of all things. She has been watching this for about 7 weeks and who knew she found this funny. We have been hard pressed to hear it again but lucky for us we recorded this moment on out camera. I will up load soon. Exhausted but Happy Mother!!

Life is too short...

A lot has happened since my last post. Joe, Morgan and I have made it back it to our home after 100 days... I unpacked our whole house in record time with assistance from friends and family and a March 7 welcome our baby girl into the world... Abigail enter at 4:07 at 8lbs 6oz. I did end up making changes to my birthing plan but was happy with the outcome. Today she is a month old and started smiling at us and it just takes my breath away.

I also today was reminded that life is too short... a couple people from high school posted that a Luke passed away... my heart dropped wondering if this Luke was the same Luke I dated in high school. I hoped it wasn't he is just a year old then me and I could only image what might have happened... However my worst fear was confirmed and I can't feel anything but shock, sad and in disbelief. This is so strange as we have not spoken or seen each other in years and always in the back of my mind believed that he hates me. I broke up with him when he went to college and I think we dated for about 6 months. We went to prom together and his friends and was just such a nice person. I attended his eagle scout graduation and he was an outdoors guy. He collected rocks, was a heavy weight wrestler and such a gentle giant. I think I even helped him pass our math class (the second time around). Looking back I feel guilt for breaking up with him because he was such I nice person... but the sparks were not there and I don't winter camp or enjoy rocks. However Luke you were a really great guy and I wished nothing but the best for him but I never imagined his life would end so soon and so sudden... So remember to enjoy life to the fullest and never take a day for granted... Luke we love you!!

A Day of Rest!

Friday was a day of rest... I spent the day trying to get rid of the random boxes with the random crap in them... not things your ready to part with but also not ready sure where it should go. I also realized somewhere in my rushing through the boxes I threw out our ultrasound pictures but before we know it we will have this little one with us and know exactly what he or she looks like. I also put some on FB so I don't feel as bad. I also took a look at my wedding dress and it is fairly melted in the middle discolored but not as bad as I was thinking. At this point it is just stuff and at the end of the day I have a loving husband that I am hoping remembers how amazing I looked in it on that wonderful October day!

Morgan (our dog) is now off her doggy food strike... at Grandma's over the last 100 days there was always a full dog dish but here it is 2 bowls, 1 in the morning and 1 at dinner time. She is also very well rested and maybe a little depressed but Morgan and I have been spending a lot of time together and we even took a nap yesterday afternoon.

Seriously!?!

So the massive nesting has been going pretty good... we have unpacked all the boxes of stuff and clothes... and slowly been finding things we will have to have taken back but issues we knew would happen. I also did a massive grocery shopping trip with Joe's Mom and started stocking up our kitchen again... this is for sure going to take some time. In the afternoon my friend L.B. came over and we cooked about 5 meals for Joe to heat up after the baby arrives. They should all be very yummy but it created a second smaller trip to the grocery store. Joe came home and I had told my dad I would help him drop off a car to be worked on. We had some time so we drove up to Target to get hangers which is always that one thing and $100 of other random shit... on our way out of the parking lot to get my dad we were pulling up to take a right just as a car taking a left was hit by another car going straight. Needless to say this left turning car hit my front end and now it is time for another insurance claim. We were all fine, the air bags did not go off and the seat belt did not lock up as we were stopped but we really didn't need something else.

The lady in the car going straight advised she was experiencing chest and neck pain and was taken off in an ambulance. The kid in the other car had a friend come get him as his he could not drive his car. Me on the other hand, 9 months pregnant did not need medical assistance and drove my car home. I am just hoping the insurance adjuster calls soon because this mama needs a rental because Joe needs a car at work if this baby decides to come out anytime soon.

Nesting day #5

Well today was another fun filled day of unpacking and getting my life in order... Today started off with me getting up and 6:30 a.m. as the day was full with J.A. friend from college coming over and Joe's mother. The first to make it over was the direct TV guy to put the dish back on the roof... which was necessary as the whole roof was ripped off. It was sitting on the ground/hanging from cords so it didn't take long to put back up. Then after J.A. showed up the laundry came, they filled 2 closets with hanging clothes in bag with tags and also boxes of clothes as tall as I am (5'7") we unpacked for hours about half way through Joe's mom showed up thank goodness because this Baby was not into the bending, walking, standing... After we finished it was time for lunch as we have no food in the house just yet. We then unpacked the closet full of breakables that were in the china hutch and that was pretty much the bulk of the day. We also visited Joe's sister at her work and had dinner and watched TV for the remainder of the evening. Tomorrow is Wednesday and there is more work to be done... I think I should schedule a day of rest soon : )

7 days till the due date

7 Days... that is it... I have officially been nesting for about 2 1/2 days and now it is time for a slight break. We have unpacked everything our restoration company brought over on Friday and much to our surprise 4 boxes with someone else stuff... scary I hope we get everything back that is ours. The funny part was Joe was trying to convince me it was our stuff and I clearly explained that we don't where glasses like that and the label said it was side table contents from the 3rd bedroom... I think we had seen enough from that box. We also discovered our paper shredder no longer works... I plugged it in all over the basement and nothing... We loved that thing, it was even fancy enough to shred credit cards :( I was also trying out my fancy light I got from Joe's mom for my birthday and was bummed when it didn't light up and the bulb was still intact. We then went to the kitchen and YAY it works... However bad because our two outlets by the fire place do not work. Our restoration company is already walking on eggshells for us so I am sure this will be a joy for them to hear. Anyway back to 7 days, the time is near, things are coming together just in time and I am ready to close this chapter in our married life. This will also be a story that everyone will be talking about forever... for some it is "remember when Joe and Heidi's house burned down and messed up my 'man cave'" and for others it is "remember when Joe and Heidi's house caught on fire and we took them in including the 2 Guinea pigs and there damn dog that ate all the dog food out of every bowl in the house for 2 weeks." For us I hope it is remembered as the time before our baby arrived that prepared us for anything that is thrown at us and made us better people.

Day 100... How is this even possibe

Well the construction is complete... enough to have our belongs brought back to fill our home. Friday afternoon I was advised that the move in was going slower then they thought and so half was delivered and the rest will come in on Monday... and as of today I am 7 days out from my due date. Joe and I spent all day yesterday unpacking. We have gone through everything in the kitchen, master bedroom, the laundry room and part of the family room in the basement. I went through so many boxes throwing away anything I didn't feel we needed and never wanted to move again... Joe and I have been moving annually since college and when we moved into our home last year we thought not for many years again... we were so wrong! The funny thing about this is we have been living 100 days without any of these belongings and most of it has not been missed, so why keep it? I am so happy this is my take on this stuff because I have watched the show Hoards: Buried Alive and something as traumatic as house fire could cause someone to take on these tendencies and lucky for me Joe is finally getting rid of things and going through his belongings as well. My little paper pack rat is moving on :) He got rid of the notebooks from college and as he was going through these papers looked at me and said well where are all your papers... well he was going through his he found a folder with some random art work from a class and a marketing plan in a huge binder... that is all I have from my 4 years because things change that fast and google can help with the rest. Well off to get ready for another day of work and for Joe a McDonald's Sausage egg McMuffin!

disbelief - n. refusal or reluctance to believe

Today is day 97 of living with my parents after our house fire... This has been a project we thought would never end. After a final walk through with the worthless project manager we have finally gotten to the end and should be in our home again tomorrow might... DAY 98!!! I am reluctant to believe this is really happening because it has been a long road that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy (if I had one). I am now 9 days away from my due date and have spent most of my first week on maternity leave struggling to sleep, fighting off a cold and wrapping up this insurance claim from HELL!! I am still crossing my fingers that things go well tomorrow and there are no issues... It would not surprise me if things fall through and have to spend the weekend at my parents and another Nephews and Niece sleepover. Here's to hoping these refugees make it home this weekend and the bun stays in the oven until we are ready, I don't care how uncomfortable I am it is staying put until at least 3/11 if I get any say in it!!!

2 days of work left

Well today was my last Wednesday at work for awhile... I have been looking forward to my time off and thinking about all the fun things people that don't work get to do, the sad part is I have this HUGE belly that is going to join me in these plans.

The last time I had this much time off was the summer after I graduated from college... finding a job is not the easiest or most fun task I have ever been given but my day entailed sleeping in, hanging out with my friends, going out drinking and tanning. This is not even going to be close to the same but I am hoping it is just as pleasant, minus the several trips to my midwife appointments and faced with the task of getting this alien out of my body and into the very excited arms of everyone (including myself).

At work my co-workers are just so excited for Joe and I, they have even planned a shower/potluck for Friday my last day. It is going to be great but a little bitter sweet because I know when I return things will be different again... it was announced our Manager is leaving, our consultant has been gone for over a month and there will be new hires with possible co-workers moving on to different things. The evolution of these changes are unstoppable but hard to know that these changes will happen without me around to adjust. It is just so strange and when you think about being a working women they never talk about the way your career freezes and you are just stuck in the now because there is so much unknown in having a baby.

I was talking with a co-worker about an opening and that there was a comment that people on our team didn't apply again... after the first posting received a huge response... I said that after my interview and advisement that I was still too green and the baby on board I realized that the role is just not a good fit for me. It is a high energy, solve peoples made up problems and get yelled at daily. I decided I didn't have the energy to throw myself into that role because I would like to be a good mom long before a successful career women. Plus there are other openings I feel I would be better at and would like to work towards.

Well Joe is at his dad's working on stuff for our kitchen so I better do something semi productive with my evening